I can’t bear having a “conversation” with my father. I know this might sound like a teenager’s rant against their parents for grounding him over weekend.
So here it goes again. He asked about something to me. I started to give him an explanation. He tried to cut off. I didn’t stop but continued my explanation with slightly raised voice. Then he got upset because I didn’t let him cut off me.
To my knowledge, you do not cut off someone in the middle of speaking, unless it is fun, fast chatting with good friends in a pub with some drinks. If you really have to cut off, usually you give him/her signal – at least saying “wait, wait.” Well, not this case.
Few minutes later, he started lecturing again. That how I should just let others cut off, because keep saying what I want to say will lose friends. That how all “popular” people just let others cut off and be a good listener. It drives me crazy when he starts to get it involved with my attitude at workplace (which he have not witnessed, and that is why it makes me so annoyed). I don’t do that. People at business normally would not do that. There are bosses who are doing it (and in this case, of course I would have to just smile and nod), but father is not a synonym of workplace boss.
In where I grew up, doing so will make you an idiot who has no opinion on whatsoever. You speak up and that will bring friends (just don’t be a dick). And here is someone who cut off after asking a question, saying how to be a good listener. By the way, wasn’t it him who asked the question and asked me for an answer?
But of course, learned from past experience, I did not say any of this. I just shut myself and said “yes, yes.” I did not look at him – who knows he will get pissed because I looked at him “straight in the eyes?”
Then he asked some other questions, so again I tried to give him answer. He cut off again anyway. Automatic eye roll awaits. If you are going to not listen, then why ask to begin with?
I am just so tired and annoyed of this whole thing. It’s like a bad cycle. Whenever I try to speak up or state my opinion clearly, he gets unhappy because I did so. Then there’s a long lecture (if not complaining or scolding) on how I am being impolite and that “attitude” will get me to nowhere. In the middle of “lecture,” I try to speak for myself, and then usually the answer is “when your dad speaks, just be quiet and say yes, even if you don’t think so.” So I do. Of course I start to share less and less with him (would you?). Then he start complaining how I don’t keep him updated (er, sorry but how many times did you actually call me and asked about my life in that 9 years?). Later on, he says how we don’t have enough conversation, need to have a conversation, etc. Or, as I am just sitting quietly, he would randomly throw topics so we can have a “conversation.” Then it repeats again. Except that I’m allowed to speak for myself only when he actually tells me to do it.
Basically, he wants me to
– Pretty much be a “Yes-man.”
– He gets to speak whatever he wants; I don’t.
– It is okay for him to cut off and not really listen to me, but I have to be a good listener.
So he can keep his Korean breadwinner face up.
I really do not want to have a so-called conversation with him unless he is ready to listen and respect my voice. It won’t work. What’s the definition of conversation, after all? An informal talk involving a small group of people or only two. Two, I say. What he is doing as a “conversation” is more of interrogation or one-way speech, if not Q&A session. Unless he is ready to try, I don’t want him to try to be all lovely and cool daughter-dad. For now, to me, he is just a big paradox came into life. Or to my eyes, “middle-aged Korean man, after all.” Thanks for all that he is doing for the family, I know you are good father, but seriously, he does not have to try to be better. This is just fine, will ask if I need something, and I have things under control (not perfect, but not that bad). Even if I don’t keep you updated, no worries – I don’t go to clubs, I don’t smoke, I don’t do drug.
I’d rather have him not asking the questions so we can have a “conversation.” Rather, I hope he’d just google the things before coming to me, and ask for my help on googling when he gets stuck. I’d gladly help and speak with him in that way. And maybe it will be more helpful for conversation.
Maybe it’s just time to leave.