There are moments when terrible loneliness hits hard, out of nowhere. It comes and attacks you, like a kidnapper sneaks from behind and throws a sack on your face in a speed of lightning. My last weekend was that. Nothing sad happened, just like another day. Or, rather more productive than usual. As I sat in front of my desktop PC at late night, I felt lonely. There is no way to explain why. Technically, I should not be. I am with my wonderful parents, got a goal to complete, live in a nice place, and though few, made several good friends here. But still I was lonely. All of sudden, the fact that none of my dear people are not in presence came into reality – so vivid that I could almost feel it on my skin. My friends are everywhere – US, here, Japan, and so on. Suddenly I was yearning for everyone terribly. I wanted to be with them. Talking about nothing and laughing. Air. Smell. Lunch together. Watching TV together. Whatever. Everything. What a paradox that I have friends all over the globe, but at the same time I can’t really reach out whenever I want to. I was a bit of a lone wolf back in high school. When I felt lonely, it was because the lack of people who can connect with me. Now it is because I cannot reach out to them, even though I have those people who can connect with me.
I just couldn’t really sleep. I mindlessly re-read my e-mails and Linkedin community and did mindless random web searches and clicked continuously. Only when my digital clock hits 2:45 am I went to bed.
Sun rises and I woke up as nothing has happened. Well, it is nothing, after all. Just one of those nights.
But how many more?