Creeping Visitor at Night


There are moments when terrible loneliness hits hard, out of nowhere.  It comes and attacks you, like a kidnapper sneaks from behind and throws a sack on your face in a speed of lightning.  My last weekend was that.  Nothing sad happened, just like another day.  Or, rather more productive than usual.  As I sat in front of my desktop PC at late night, I felt lonely.  There is no way to explain why.    Technically, I should not be.  I am with my wonderful parents, got a goal to complete, live in a nice place, and though few, made several good friends here.  But still I was lonely.  All of sudden, the fact that none of my dear people are not in presence came into reality – so vivid that I could almost feel it on my skin.  My friends are everywhere – US, here, Japan, and so on.  Suddenly I was yearning for everyone terribly.  I wanted to be with them.  Talking about nothing and laughing.  Air.  Smell.  Lunch together.  Watching TV together.  Whatever.  Everything.  What a paradox that I have friends all over the globe, but at the same time I can’t really reach out whenever I want to.   I was a bit of a lone wolf back in high school.  When I felt lonely, it was because the lack of people who can connect with me.  Now it is because I cannot reach out to them, even though I have those people who can connect with me.

I just couldn’t really sleep.  I mindlessly re-read my e-mails and Linkedin community and did mindless random web searches and clicked continuously.  Only when my digital clock hits 2:45 am I went to bed.

Sun rises and I woke up as nothing has happened.  Well, it is nothing, after all.  Just one of those nights.

But how many more?


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